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#motherhood, #dilemma, #secondchance #parenting
My Friend Alexa,  Parenting,  Personal

To Be Or Not To Be; The Constant Dilemma of A Woman’s Life #MyFriendAlexa Post 2

People said, “Marriage at appropriate age is important, especially for a girl. “ Well, I got married at 27. Now was it appropriate or not, I am clueless? Then they said, “Motherhood completes a woman”, I became a mother too at 30, and thoroughly enjoyed motherhood to satiation. And suddenly, I hear a new thing, “It takes two kids to complete a Family!” And Now, I am like r.e.a.l.l.y. confused!

#motherhood, #dilemma, #secondchance #parenting

Dilemma 1: Marry Now Or Not?

Being a dreamer, I always wanted to reach a point in life where I am satisfied to the extent that I no longer wanted to pursue things. But,as the road ahead was foggy, having a companion looked like the best option. Idea of walking hand in hand to explore opportunities seemed nice and honestly, the journey has been awesome so far. I married because I wanted to, and because I met someone worth spending rest of my life with.

Dilemma 2: Baby Now or Not?

When I got married, motherhood was nowhere in picture, not at least mine. I wasn’t against making babies, never! They are cute! It is just that it was never my priority, and I don’t think one should jump into a role he/she gives least importance to or have little interest in and we are talking about mothering here! So, needless to say, it took a great deal of conditioning, understanding, and time, to prepare myself to be a mother!

Dilemma 3: Prepared well or Not?

And when I felt the affirmation inside, I decided to be the best possible version of mine. I wanted to experience and treasure each and every moment and movement of this journey. And God knows I did it to the best of my caliber. I prepared myself to be capable enough to take care of a precious life that was growing inside me. I was tuning myself enough to stay up late nights, without accidental naps…To hear all the ear bursting cries without a crease on my forehead…To change the nappies without shrinking my nose. I was preparing… for all the things which people say are hard about first time parenting.

I was confident thanks to the parenting books; they relieved me of many doubts. But one scenario that I never considered actually happened to me. The C-section; it baffled me and my family! I was the trailblazer here as well. No one had prior exposure to such pregnancy.

Dilemma 4: Good Mom or not?

Little knowledge is a dangerous thing. And we did a few blunders in the learning process! But the mental conditioning before and during pregnancy helped me retain my cool. I learned to listen to my body and it worked out fine. When I looked at my baby for first time, I promised myself (semiconscious) to always be there for her, to take care of her no matter how hard I have to try.

Suddenly, everything else became secondary. Yes… my priority changed! And all the dreams and ambitions took back seat at least at that period of time. I completely indulged myself in her care for some months. I cherished every little gesture of this tiny toe. Motherhood completes a Woman or not I can’t say but it definitely gives her a chance to live afresh…from the start. It also makes her understand and value her own mother and her love.

Dilemma 5: Mom Again or not?

First child is special. Everything is new and exciting. When Snow came to my life, I knew she is a bridge between me and Mr Coolhead; She’ll always keep us connected and undoubtedly, she does. Now at this time point, I am like really confused.

Isn’t she enough for the two of us?

Is the old age FOMO real?

Should I be fearing to live a dusk of loneliness?

Would my age and loneliness become a burden for Snow?

Would she understand if I decide not to give her a sibling?

Would I be charged guilty for an action that I never undertook?

Would I regret my decision of having single child?

Would I?? Would I????

There are zillion such questions, answers to which lie in oblivion and I also know that no one can answer these questions for me but I, myself!


I am taking my Alexa rank to the next level with Blogchatter‘ This is my second post. My hashtags are #mannreads and #mannspeaks

152 Comments

  • blogitwithsurabhi

    You have said it all! I think that’s the Dilemma of most of us! I believe that we should prepare ourselves to listen to our heart and do what makes us happy and so we never regret about our decision! All the best to find your answer soon.

  • Varsha Gode

    What a lovely post!
    You have posted your entire life for us 🙂 It is important to do things only when one is happy/really wants to do and you have exactly followed the same.
    I got married at 25 and it’s 2 yrs now everyone wants the good news :p
    #vigorousreads #MyFriendAlexa

  • Dr. Surbhi Prapanna

    I agree with you Mann, so many times life put us in difficult situations when we would not be able to decide what will work best for us. you had written your thoughts so wonderfully.

  • Poonam

    I relate myself with your story,same question comes to my mind also..hope u get the answer soon..and inspire me too,would I??????

  • Hitesh Kumar

    Wonderful post. Delighted to read such fine details of parenting. Parenting, though tough to execute, nothing can bring the bliss as much as it can. Yes it is catch22 situation to plan the second sibling and people have lot of opinions through which they try to persuade you. The logic behind the planning of our second baby was really thoughtful. It was like this, that your child should have an immediate kin, as sibling because parents can’t stay with their progeny forever.

  • Haimanti

    Your post resonates with me completely…I felt like your were telling my story 🙂 If you want a second child, give it a good thought…Most of us want a second child to go through that entire process again – to hold a cute baby, watching it grow with your help and touched by his/her innocence…However, the question remains the same – are you ready? If you are, why not?

  • Ranjini

    These days either one child or 3 is the norm. So people aren’t really giving a damn as to what others say and you shouldn’t either. It’s all up to you.

  • ipsyb

    Lovely! As I always say, I got married at 26. I thought I was ready for it. Turns out I’m almost 48 and I find I’m still not ready for it!!!!! 🙂

  • vartikasdiary1

    Bang on post Mann and straight from the heart. I am currently at no. 4 good mom or not dilemma. Its always there I guess. I could not agree more to your statement “After becoming a mother, we realise the value of our mother”

  • Meenakshi

    I am for now have always been doubtful about what I do until a couple of years back.Then, one fine day , I was like ‘baad mein jaaye.Jho hoga dekha jaayega’ and now I am at peace with myself and life’s surprises 😀

    • Mann

      Thanks Meenakshi. I am laughing… Literally. Cause this is what I tell myself so many times.!!! Wo gana hai na, “sochna kya jo bhi hoga dekha jayega… Kal ke liye aaj ko kyoun khona… Aaj ye na kal aayega!!”

  • sukrisblog

    An article straight from your heart. We all go through these emotions and somehow it is a vicious cycle. If you don’t marry there is someone pushing you towards marriage, once you marry it is a follow up for kid, then another and then 2nd sibling comes along requesting one more little one younger to him/her as they want to feel elder!!! [My story] 🙂

  • Jheelam

    Your post resonates with me. it happens with all of us. You do you and the rest is up to god/destiny/cosmic power/or whichever greater force that to some extent controls our lives.

    I got married at 34 and I’m still not sure whether I’ve done the right thing or not ( never have been a marriage-material tbh). Having a baby is out of question for me as well. I might adopt one day (or not). Again comes the dilemma. Best of luck with your decision. 🙂

  • Dipali Bhasin

    Most of us have gone through these different dilemmas ourselves. However, it’s best not to give in to external pressures if any, for decisions at hand. We must decide when we’re ready in all aspects – emotionally, physically, financially, mentally. Worrying about the future is something that we must stop right away. Noone knows the future. Take it as it comes. Live in the moment. That’s what we truly have. 🙂

    • Mann

      Live in the Moment… that’s what I do most of the time… Because some things are time bound they give tough moments!! thanks for writing in Dipali.

  • mjothi

    Opt dilemmas in everyone life. True. One kid, or two kid or more is purely individual choice. And, best answers will come from nowhere except you both 🙂

  • Manas Mukul

    A woman faces Dilemma at every step that she takes…some are internal…some external.
    Wonderfully documented Mann.
    #MyFriendAlexa #ContemplationOfaJoker #Jokerophilia

  • Anshu Bhojnagarwala

    That’s a very relevant post, Mann and one I could relate to so well. I got married at 27, had a child at 32 – already two big crosses on what normally happens in the society. We women face these dilemmas at various stages of life. Good write up!

  • ☆Novemberschild☆ (@romspeaks)

    On a serious note I dont have any of these dilemmas and I consider myself blessed that I dont have these to do and not to do situations in my life. I am not married – no regrets hence kid, family and etc dont follow or have a place in my life. I dont have professional pressures, I am happy with my work.

    But looking at the other side, Emancipation of woman in various areas of life has been discussed lately – professionally and personally. Burden and responsibility of a female is more than responsibility of man as woman has double play for being a wife, mother in the household or a woman in the other womanly responsibilities. I feel a married woman should have her husband’s unconditional support which would allow her to make decisions boldly with confidence on all those dilemmas which bother her – to do or not to do!

    • Mann

      Hey Roma. Thanks to #alexa I got to interact with you and know about you little more.
      To every action of our, outcomes may or may not be as desired to begin with. In my case, I quite delayed a wedding, May be I was scared. Eventually married my best friend. And marriage turned to be a blessing and so was the birth of my daughter. I also have my dream job. I am totally content and in love with my life. The post is the result of a fact that my daughter is turning 6 in this month and my biological clock is also ticking. May be I know the answer inside and just needed assurance from all around.

  • Sonia Chatterjee

    I got married at 30, became a mother at 34 and quit my Banking job to become a writer at 36. I’m. 37 now and at the happiest phase of my life. My family is complete and so is my professional space. The society will keep interfering but it is upto us to make choices that make us happy. Very well written post.

  • Preety tiwari

    I can completely relate myself with this post,we all have so many questions running in our mind but i agree that only we can find it’s answers best rather than anybody else. #MyFriendAlexa #DelhibloggerReads

    • Mann

      Exactly Preety. but sometimes we need assurance form others that what we are thinking of doing, how many support that. Thanks for writing in.

  • sujatatawde

    Hey Mann , you have very well articulated the dilemmas faced by almost all ladies & gentlemen alike . Still I think the pressure is more on ladies about getting married early , having the 1st child soon and then following the 1st with another. The societal demands are ever-growing. You should find the solution by discussing with your husband, in-laws and parents as they are the support system. #MyFriendAlexa #SujatawdeReads

    • Mann

      Hi Sujata. Yes, Wise thing to do is to discuss it with family. But problem arises when even they put you in charge of whatever you do with your life! Though I am the happiest mom with my only child Snow, the ????? persists. but after reading so many assuring comments, I think I’ll be able to take the right decision.:)

  • jaya1966

    Yes, Mann I agree at every stage of life we have to find answers to a number of questions before moving forward. The only way to do it is to cautiously feel our way and try to judge what would be right for us. There is no sure fire method to come to a 100% correct conclusion. #MyFriendAlexa #JaiSReads

  • Nidhi Rawal Gautam

    The whole dilemma is because of the set rules made by some people as per their convenience. The idea was just to keep the women occupied & winding with some or the other thing so that she never get’s time to think about herself and her upgradement.

  • BellyBytes

    You come across as a person who knows her mind and doesn’t follow the herd. Just as you have gone with the flow, I am sure you will cross every bridge that you come across with such equanimity and even handedness. In my personal opinion we spend too much time thinking about how things will turn out. Eventually everything turns out for the best! When people asked me if I was trying for a boy ( I have two girls who are now young women) I used to tell them that of course I was trying – it was fun seeing the shocked expressions on their faced!

  • Sanjota Purohit

    Our society always shows interest in others life. Married or not married, parent or non-parent, working or jobless always there will be planety of questions that you should be prepared to answer each and every day.

  • Pr@Gun

    Seems like you said my heart, choosing between yes or no, on crossroads is part of life. to marry or not, to have kids or not, to quit job or not, to have second or not, etc etc etc. What we choose is what we live

  • anecdotesofmylife

    To be or not to be!! You have the choice my dear…in our time we didn’t..it was made for us. I was 19 and pregnant and clueless about being a mom.I had rosy images like the Johnson ads..smiling mom and baby and the reality was earth shattering, I didn’t want a second child but the pressure was so much that I caved on and now I don’t regret the decision at all. My daughter is the best thing that has happened to me. She is 29 and not married yet and I get the flak for it 🙂 But its her choice and she will when she wants to.

  • Nihar Pradhan

    You have raised a very profound question. It raises so many new questions. Answers are never satisfying. Life is relative and things has different meaning and interpretation as we climb the steps in our journey of life. The question series never ends. It is just that we don’t know how to answers and what is the perfect answer, as there is no right and wrong answers. Actually answers are there within us and we keep listening to the voice that comes from outside and there will different voices and we will be confused.
    😀

  • Deepti Menon

    So well written! All of us map out our lives in one way or the other, and if we are lucky, do the things that are right for us at the right time. When do our priorities change, I wonder? 🙂
    #DeepTiesReads #MyFriendAlexa

  • Preethi Venugopala

    The age old dilemma! It should not be a dilemma in my opinion. We all should live life to the fullest without caring for what others say or do.

  • Sonam Jain

    It’s always like that… But I also believe too much preparation is not needed. One should go flow with the flow

  • Anmol Rawat

    I can understand. I think there is no particular answers. You should proceed when you feel like because if you’re choosing an answer under pressure, it will not only affect you but also the people concerned. Easy said than done though 🙂
    Well written!

  • Geethica

    Frankly speaking Mann, this is indeed a big confusion. Different parents have different perspective towards this situation. I had in my mind that a child is happy with his/her sibling more than the parents. Siblings company is more enjoyable so I had two of them.

  • Shubhra Rastogi

    Lovely post. I have been through most of the dilemmas but as of now I find myself stuck on the 5th one and reading all the reasons mentioned by you just left me to think more about it. #MyFriendAlexa

  • pythoroshan

    Important that more women read this, are aware of the freedom of choice they have and implement it in their lives.

  • alpanadeo

    To Be Or Not To Be is always there in our minds. But what gives us clear picture is how we see ourself in an expected state. For example, going for a second baby means going through the entire process again. do you see yourself going through it. Evaluating the plus and minus might give us an answer in some situation but I agree certain decisions are hard to be made.

    #MothersGurukulreads #myfriendalexa

  • writenlive

    These are the dilemmas that haunt us for a long time and through the most productive part of our lives. We hear so many conflicting opinions that they are bound to confuse us.

    The best thing is to follow our hearts so that we have no regrets later on. The way you said that you married because you wanted to and because you found someone worthy of your love.

  • momtasticworld

    I had a smile on my face while reading this, how true are your words. Loved it. I can relate with each dilemma you have mentioned here. 🙂

  • Shilpa Gupte

    Questions, questions!! And, for which no one has the right answer. But, I feel, that for questions (like these) that are for us to answer, we need to look deep within ourselves and we will know what to do. Others will give you their opinions based on their perspectives and their thinking which will be so different from yours!

  • Monika

    I have turned 40 and I am mother to a single daughter . Some of My friends still advise me for second child . But I am lucky that my family doesn’t .

  • Ishieta

    beautifully shared. I fear no one but you can and should make these choices. We live by what is expected of us, and sometime you will find everything, and sometimes we are left with broken dreams — so whatever the decisions, as long as they are yours, i feel we can get through them, and still find joy and happiness 🙂

  • Sejal Khanna

    With you on this Mann. Why should our happiness be an expectation of what the society perceives is right for us? When will people stop this unsolicited intrusion in our lives?

  • poojakawatra

    These are some never ending question or discussions we all have had in our 20s to marry or go for a career, continue with career or have a baby… I feel just two of us are the one who knows what lies ahead for us as raising babies take so much.

  • Akshata Ram

    Never easy to answer these but hey looks like you have them figured out cos the last statement says its all! So many similarities between you and me- I got married at 27 too and had my baby at 30 and for the second one – I guess its “one child policy”

  • Lavanya

    Societal expectations is absurd in India. Totally relate to this. Ultimately each one should live life the way they want to. One of my friends is happily single at 33.

  • knightofsteel

    !!! So perfect! You know actually the dilemmas you talk about are similar to a psychologist, Erik Erikson’s dilemmas. These describe the questions that a woman faces in her middle age so aptly.

  • sinjanag

    You are doing great! I think this over entitlement of people who feel they have the right to tell others what they should do in their personal life in the context of concern is too much. Be happy and stay blessed

  • Namratha Varadharajan

    Dilemma and questions with no easy answer. Everyone needs to answer it for themselves. I wasn’t expecting to have a c section either.. I was super fit and was sure I’d have a normal delivery.. I always thought I’d have 2 kids but once I had the first one I thought I won’t be able to cope with another. However, 3 years down the line I forgot how difficult the first year is and decided to have another. So here I am.

    But there are no right decisions. All I can say is you aren’t answerable to anyone else except yourself. Whatever decision you take is the right answer.

    Namratha from #firstgreenstep #MyFriendAlexa

  • Rashmi

    A perfect article on an apt topic, dilemma. We spend most of our lifetime living in dilemmas. Once we clear our mind out of one, the other would be raising its ugly head. Let’s focus on what and when, we as a person can handle perfectly and clear our minds with all the clutters. Because at the end, it’s we, who are responsible for our deeds. No one else.

  • MeenalSonal

    Mann, your posts states all dilemmas of women life. Well, I think once you makeup your mind, you can handle things and nothing can go wrong. Convincing self with a decision is more important than convincing others.

    Cheers
    MeenalSonal from AuraOfThoughts
    #MyFriendAlexa #MeenalSonalReads

  • Veena Haridas

    From a Mom of 2 – it doesn’t really matter if you have one or two – the trials and tribulations twice is no fun – but there is a certain good feeling that if you have 2 – at least they will be there for each other [ even though right now they are at each others throat ]
    I did think a ton before but we really were sure we would have two [ no pressure from family or anyone ] – in our case everyone was supportive f the fact that we have one 🙂
    <3

  • Maya Bhat

    Those who say keep saying. These people just have a lot of free time in life to distribute gyan to others. And we can do nothing in this. This has been going on from ages !!!!

  • Tina

    very well said. Everyone is questioned on their choices. I was questioned left right and centre on why i didnt have a baby after 4 yrs of marriage. WHy can’t someone CHOOSE what they want!

  • Anagha Yatin

    When one is at the center of the storm, the eye of the storm, everything around is dusty and whirling with great speed; enough to send one tizzy. I can see that you have been a very balanced, rational person through your life and thus will come up with unique solution to all the raging questions. In the end, when one looks back, one should not regret. Stand by your choices and course of action, because if not you, who will?
    Wishing you all the best Mann.

  • Priya

    I so relate with all the listed dilemma. And people judge, no matter what choices you make. high time, we stop listening to them.. and start living our lives on our own terms.

  • Shree Janani

    Totally can relate to this post. I’m on the same boat – Married. To have a baby or not! However,the world doesn’t seem to understand that I want my own time to decide about that.

  • DiaryOfAnInsaneWriter

    Loved the post! These are problems and questions we all face or have faced. As you rightly said the answer lies within. Though we have an open minded society in the virtual world, the ground reality differs. Sometimes I feel people offline have nothing to do but gossip about others and highlight others’ weaknesses so that they can hide from their own short comings. There are so many thoughts that your post has ignited. Thank you for writing such a thought-provoking post. #MyFriendAlexa #MayuraReads

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