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Deception (living it or leaving it)

Since morning I have seen my mail zillion times, why?.

I am expecting a mail from a place I really want to shift to. A place near to my heart and home. Everything went so well. Though I know things might not turn up as expected. But I have this satisfaction that I didn’t hesitate to speak my mind, to ask what I deserve (at least, according to me), and guess what, ‘it feels great’. Every time I open the mail box, I don’t see a trace and think,”What could be the problem? They promised to let me know today. Did they forget their promise or they just took it for granted.” Yeah may be that’s right,  they took me for granted. But who cares? I have nothing to lose.

Tell you what, by now I am accustomed of being turned down by those who don’t even have the capability to judge me; they just have the position, which I definitely lack. It is so funny, you know. Sometimes I just don’t understand the logic behind all the razzmatazz.  I am in a profession which deals with young people. They come to us with big fat dreams and ambitions and are so innocent. We are giving them a false hope that future is very beautiful and promising. We exaggerate the beauty of uncertain tomorrow and preach them all the goodies. What are we doing? In a system where education has lost its meaning and ‘Nepotism’ is so deep rooted, it’s not easy to make your place.

I myself sometimes think,  What is the purpose of this education that I have got? Was it just to collect degrees? That I have abundant.  or Was it to give me a well paid job? When fully loaded with degrees, I entered the real world, all my dreams shattered in a blink of eye. Many times I mumbled,” Did I just wasted a number of years of my life because now it seems as if nobody needs me. I will have to start from a scratch again.” Doesn’t mean I gave up. So helpless still so ambitious, I worked through, as and when opportunity knocked. While wandering around I  have seen different shades of people, I guess everybody has. People have  specialized the art of pretension so well that you can do nothing but ponder.

When we were child, grown ups would always say,” this is the best life that you are living.” It would just made us little ones wonder,” these big bosses do whatever they like and never miss a chance to taunt.”  It is only now that I understand the significance of those words. But children are always so eager to grow up, to be independent. So here we are, all grown up and all messed up. Sometimes I plan my life so well that everything seems in place then in the next moment everything looks not enough. I feel I am depriving myself of so many things. I yearn for old friendship, I long for togetherness with my family, I crave for that forgotten peaceful ambience and think,”Why am I living a life of an alien, provided I will never be one of them.”( actually I don’t even want to). I always have this temp feeling, as if I am on a journey and it is just a stop over. I am not able to settle down. I have this constant itch to reach somewhere, I don’t know, where?

I assume that we all are on our individual journeys, smooth or rough.  Whatever happens, happens for a reason. No matter what, I”ll keep moving, I”ll keep wandering until I am “There”, where I meant to be………….


P.S.  I did get ‘the’ call and the offer, and guess what, I refused!



  • Sha'Tara

    Quote: ” Whatever happens, happens for a reason. No matter what, I’ll keep moving, I’ll keep wandering until I am “There”, where I [am] meant to be………….”

    Who determines the “reason” why something happens? “I” do, not karma, not fate, not some god, just me. Otherwise life makes no sense except as a puppet.

    Who determines where “I am meant to be”? I do, no one else has that right, or that power unless I give it to them. Puppet or master?

    In the Matrix, Neo is asked to choose: the blue pill (adherence to the System) or the red pill (opposition). Some of us, though too few, choose the red pill. Congratulations, Mann.

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